


Anabel and Rachel in Wonderland

by sherlocksblackbird



Category: The Hobbit (2012)
Genre: F/M, down the rabbit hole fic, tripped and fell into middle earth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-24 05:18:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlocksblackbird/pseuds/sherlocksblackbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up after a long night of partying, two girls find themselves in a strange place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Inconvenient and Unexpected Journey of Millie Fournier](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/15468) by agent-of-fear. 



> Working on this with my dear Rachel Elise.

I woke up slowly, shaking my aching head and squinting into the dark. I could see a faint light to one side and nothing to the other. Standing up unsteadily, I thought over what had happened. Ok. So we went to a party, got hammered, and... now I’m in a cave. Alone. Great.

I stepped forward, almost tripping on a rock as my eyes adjusted to the darkness around me. I kept moving toward the light, feeling along the walls with my hands. Where the fuck am I?

When I got to the mouth of the cave, I squinted into the light, eyes burning from the brightness of the day and head pounding from what I was sure was a hell of a hangover. When I could see again I scanned the area, looking for some clue as to where I ended up and how.

Walking toward me, goofy grin on her face, was Rachel.

“RACH!” I yelled, stepping out of the cave. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?”

“I DON’T KNOW,” she replied. “BUT I DON’T HAVE CELL RECEPTION.”

I frowned and pulled my phone out of my pocket. No bars. 

“Rach,” I started when we finally reached each other. “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.”

“Nope,” she replied. “Sure as shit doesn’t look like Maryland.”

“So where do you think we are?”

“I haven’t got the faintest idea.”

We looked around, gathering in our surroundings, and saw a couple of people riding ponies through a rocky pass. 

I pointed to them and said, “Maybe we should ask them.”

Rachel promptly picked up a rock and wailed it as hard as she could at the two figures, hitting one square in the head.

“VATICAN CAMEOS,” she squeaked, ducking behind the rock. I joined her quickly, hoping that whoever she hit would just walk on.

“YOU THERE!” A gruff voice called. “SHOW YOURSELVES.”

Shakily, and despite Rachel’s protests, I stood to face the stranger.

I was a small man, a bit shorter than me, with blonde braided hair. Biting back a laugh I grumbled to Rach, “You had to hit the hot one.”    
“What?” She grinned, hopping up and looking around.

“Oy, Lass, was it you who threw the stone?” the stranger asked me, half-smile on his gruff face.

“Nope. Talk to her.” Throwing Rachel under the bus, I pointed to her and stepped away.

Another man, equally short, stepped forward, rubbing his head. “Aye, she has a good arm on her.” This one was younger looking, with dark hair and much less beard than his companion.

Rachel timidly dusted off her sweater, rose to her full height of 5’1” and said to the younger one, “Hi. Sorry ‘bout that. Can’t control myself sometimes.” And then she flashes her trademarked ‘I would fuck you if you’d like’ smile. She turned to the other man. “‘Sup Mufasa?”

“I’m alright,” the beardless one grinned, taking in Rachel’s appearance. I’m positive she noticed because her grin got just a little wider. “You’re a bit odd for a she-dwarf.”

“First princess --” Rachel started, raising one finger to the offending man’s face. She was cut off when a gloved hand seized her wrist.

“Lass, you had best not talk to him that way. You’ve no idea who we are. Now if you don’t mind, we should be going.” He released her wrist with a huff, turning and walking back to the two ponies they’d tied to a small shrub.

“Don’t mind him,” the younger one said, “He’s just grumpy and hungry.”

“Hangry,” I corrected, nodding in understanding. 

He gave a a confused look and stuck out his hand. “Kili, at your service. And that there is Fili, m’older brother.” He looked at us expectantly.

“Uh, I’m Anabel and this here is Rachel, my pseudo-sister. At your service?”

“Well met, Anabel and Rachel. If you’ll excuse me, I must be going.”

“Where are you going?” Rachel chirped.

“That is none of your concern, lass,” Mufasa replied, untying his pony and mounting it, looking impatient as he waited for Kili to do the same.

“Well you can’t just leave us here,” she whined, looking back at me before turning back to face them, both now ready to leave. I could tell she was trying to work up tears for a show, but she failed in this endeavor, digging in the small purse she had to find her cigarettes. Lighting one, she turned away, taking in a drag and blowing out a long puff of smoke. 

“Mister Fili, could I have a word with you?” I asked, stepping away from a Rachel who could give no fucks. He hopped down from his little pony and nodded his head once.

“Aye. Briefly.”

Once we were a bit away from Kili and Rach, I started. “Ok so I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but she and I are very obviously not home anymore. I don’t know who - or what - you are but we are incredibly lost and hungover and we just really need some help right now, so could you please at least tell us where the nearest town would be?”

He looked at me like someone would look at a bug. “Where is it you’re from, anyway?”

“Maryland. Where are you from?”

“The Blue Mountains,” he said hesitantly. “Where is this Maryland you speak of?”

“...America? Where are the Blue Mountains?”

“Middle Earth, o’course.”

I almost puked.


	2. Chapter 2

I almost puked. “Ohmygod. RACH.” I yelled and stumbled back to her. “RACHEL.”

She turned away from Kili and looked at me with a slightly irritated smile on her face. “What.”

I yanked her aside. “Rachel. Do you know where we are?”

She shook her head.

“Take a look around. Look at those dudes. Does this look like America to you?”

She shook her head again, scared look on her face.

“Fili tells me that they are from the Blue Mountains. Do you know where the Blue Mountains are?”

She shook her head one last time.

“Middle. Fucking. Earth.”

She squeaked. “Like dwarves and elves and all that shit, Middle Earth?”

“Rachel look at them. They are dwarves.”

“Oh god.” Now she looked sick.

“I don’t know what the fuck happened last night, but we are so not in Maryland anymore.”

Fili approached us and spoke gruffly. “What is the matter, why is that one crying?”

Kili looked concerned and spoke again to his brother in fucking Dwarvish. Fili just grunted and nodded.

“Alright,” he said, “You may come with us to the Shire.” The SHIRE. 

Next thing I knew I was being hauled up onto this little pony behind the grumpy Fili, Rachel, blushing, behind Kili. I only sat a couple of inches taller than him, so he wasn’t that short after all. It was at that moment that I thanked whatever lord there was that I had decided not to wear a dress the last night. Instead I wore leather leggings and a sequined tank top, which I know didn’t fit in at all but whatever.

Fili urged his pony forward and Kili followed suit, Rachel’s arms wrapped around his waist. I refused to touch Fili, instead gripping the saddle tightly as the pony trotted along the earthen path.

Soon night began to fall and it got quite a lot chillier. I began to shiver, wrapping an arm around my body, still clinging to the saddle with the other hand. 

“Cold, lass?” Fili said, half-turning to me with a slight smile on his face.

“N-n-no,” I shivered, teeth chattering and giving me away. I sneered when he laughed and stopped the pony.

“What’s going on, brother?” Kili called. I noted with a grin that Rachel was still attached to him like a monkey backpack.

“This lass is very poorly dressed and is shiverin’. It’s bothering the pony,” Fili replied, taking off one layer of dozens and handing me his cloak. “Here, Anabel, put this on. It’ll keep ya warm.”

I held the mass of leather at arms length. “It stinks.”

“Then freeze, young princess.” He grinned and reached to take it back. I promptly snatched it away, grumbling as I threw it over my shoulders and sighing as the warmth enveloped me.

We hopped back on the ponies and headed on towards a small cluster of lights in the distance.

“The Shire,” I murmured, excited to see the place of my childhood reading.

When we finally reached the little village, I looked around excitedly, squeeing internally at the tiny hobbit holes and little gardens with their little fences. I was in my very own wonderland, thrilled to be in the Shire with my best friend. Forgetting myself, I laughed a little, impressed with everything and excited to see what would happen next. 

“Something funny?” I heard Fili say.

“Just psyched, is all.” I replied shortly.

“What is psyched?”

“Like, excited or thrilled or whatever.”

“Ah.”

And then silence as we finished our journey, coming to a stop by a little hobbit hole with a freshly painted green door. There was a mark on the door in what I assumed was Dwarvish.

“That’s the one,” Kili said from behind.

“Aye, it is,” Fili replied, hopping off the pony and tethering her to the fence. He walked over to me, still seated, and offered his arms for assistance with the dismount. I ignored him and hopped off myself, landing a little roughly. Thank god I was wearing boots. I heard him chuckle as we walked up to the small-ish door.

When it opened a small and flustered looking hobbit was there, clearly not expecting company.

“Fili -

And Kili”

“At your service.”

“And Anabel and Rachel,” I chimed in, pointing to myself and Rachel in turn.

Fili swagged himself in, followed by Kili and then Rach and myself.

Pretty soon, we were all sitting around a too-small table, stuffing our faces with delicious hobbit food. I kept glancing at Fili, who seemed to be in a much better mood and was joking and laughing with his brother. Rachel and I sat opposite them, not speaking to anyone, but enjoying the show none the less.

And then they started singing. And because I’d read this book as a child, I knew the words to sing along.

“Blunt the knives and bend the forks!” We sang in earnest as Bilbo, poor lad, shuffled around trying to get his dishes back.

I caught Fili’s eye as I sung and he looked at me peculiarly. I smiled and looked away, still wrapped in that damn cloak.

Thump. Thump. Thump. 

“He’s here,” Gandalf said solemnly.

Oh shit, I thought. The Dwarf King..


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel was terrified and kept asking who was there, who was he, but I didn’t have a chance to answer before he was there in the archway with Gandalf.

“My I introduce the leader of our company,” Gandalf said regally, “Thorin Oakenshield.”

“Wow,” I murmured.

“King Under the Mountain,” he continued, giving Rachel a look.

“This is the hobbit,” Thorin said, gesturing at a frightened looking Bilbo. And then he turned his attention to us. “And who are you?”

Rachel was silent, so I ribbed her and answered. “Anabel and Rachel.” I added a little bow, figuring a little respect wouldn’t hurt. After a brief hesitation Rachel mimicked me, bowing slightly to the frowning Thorin.

“A she-dwarf and a human, how peculiar,” Thorin stated. 

“I’m not a dwarf,” Rachel said indignantly, “So would you all just fuck off with that?”

“Rach,” I warned, jabbing her once again in the ribs. “He’s a king,” I whispered. “Show some respect.”

“Respect, right.”

“Good girl.” I grabbed her hand and led her to the table, finding a seat across from Fili and Kili, who looked amused.

For a while she and I just sat there and everyone started to move about and do their own thing. Bilbo fainted when he found out about the incineration part of fighting dragons, and he was very wary of joining the dwarves.

“Gandalf,” I said, when we had a moment, “Can I have a word?”

“Of course, Anabel, what is the matter?” He looked so honest and open that I spilled our whole story.

“-- and now we’re stuck here and I’m not sure why or how or what to do about it.” I was almost crying by then, wanting desperately to be back in bed with my stuffed animals.

“Well, I see no choice but to have you go with us,” he replied sincerely. “You’ll join us on our quest to regain Erebor. Perhaps along the way we will discover your reason for being here.”   
\---

We all sat in the living area, around a warm fire. Rachel and Kili shared a nice big chair. I sat on the floor. The dwarves all began to sing the most heart-wrenching song I have ever heard to this day. They sang of their home, which had been taken from them by the vicious Smaug.

When they were done, I felt tears in my eyes, missing my own home and lamenting the loss of theirs. I wept silently in my place by the chair, hiding from those around me as everyone started to settle down for sleep. After several moments, I felt a presence in front of me. Opening my eyes, I found Fili, solemnly looking down at me where I sat crying.

Holding his hand out to me he asked, “Will you join me outside, Miss Anabel?”

“Sure, I guess,” I replied, hastily wiping my eyes and sniffling softly. Outside the stars shone bright and clear, and the chilly air calmed the blood in my cheeks. “What is it?” I asked, none too politely.

“I was just curious as to where you’ve come from. What you are,” he replied, sitting on a little bench in the garden.

“I’m human,” I said quietly, “and you wouldn’t know where I’m from. It’s far from here.”

“I suppose you understand the dangers of this quest.”

“More than you know,” I murmured.

“Then I will advise you to stay behind.”

“I’d love to do that but I have no where else to go. Forward is all Rachel and I have.”

“Ah yes. This Rachel girl. She is fond of my brother and he of her, I can see it already.”

“Yeah,” I smiled, “She does that.”

“She is a distraction. As the leader of the pair of you, you need to tell her to stop toying with my brother.”

“Woah there buddy, I’m not the leader of anyone, and she’s not toying. I assure you she’s genuine.” I put my hands on my hips and took an offensive stance. 

Fili rose from his seat. “She best not distract him further. We have a long and perilous journey ahead of us, and distractions lead to death.”

“Right, whatever.” I turned on my heel and went back inside, frowning at Rachel where she slept curled up next to a sleeping Kili.

Finding a nice quiet place in the corner, I curled up and cried myself to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning went by in a hurry. Dwarves were everywhere gathering their things and preparing ponies outside. Gandalf kept walking by counting like a madman, and Rachel was nowhere to be found.

“RACH,” I called, getting impatient.

“Already outside!” She replied. I walked out to meet her by the ponies, stretching my aching legs and back. My athletic build was nice for running and all, but sleeping curled up on the floor was generally a no-no. I stretched like a cat, bending down to touch my toes and bending back as far as I could.

I caught Fili’s gaze, and he awkwardly approached me.

“Here,” he said, handing me the cloak that I’d borrowed the previous day, “Use this. It’ll keep you warm and protected from the elements.”

“Uh, thanks?”

With that we saddled the ponies and everyone hopped on. I noted with a twinge of nerves that Bilbo wasn’t on his pony, but we began to leave anyway. I knew that that’s how it would be, but I couldn’t help but be nervous.

With a little unwanted help from Fili, I got onto the pony, seating myself as far back as possible. I still refused to touch him, clinging to the saddle and keeping my legs tight around the pony. Not going to lie, it was extremely uncomfortable.

“Lass, you may as well just hold onto me. It’s a long journey,” Fili said, head turned to me. He had a half-grin on his smug face.

I sighed heavily. Looking back I could see that Rachel was clinging to Kili. Anyone else would say she was afraid of the pony ride, but I knew better.

“Fine,” I sighed, hesitantly wrapping my arms around his waist. Instantly my back felt better, and I relaxed against his back, closing my eyes and drifting in and out of sleep.

I woke up with a start when I heard shouting coming from behind us. “Wait! Wait! I’ve signed it!” It was Bilbo, frantically running after us. He caught up and was given his pony and rode next to Gandalf. 

Coin purses were tossed around as bets were fulfilled. I giggled quietly at Bilbo’s indignant face and felt Fili’s laughter as well.

We stopped shortly thereafter to set up camp. A great fire was built and everyone began to settle around it.

Rachel settled in beside Kili, laughing at something he said. I chose a place far from all the others, shivering in the cold despite my cloak. After a while I managed to curl up and attempt sleep, but I was awoken by a boot gently nudging my back.

“Anabel, wake up. It’s your turn for watch,” Fili murmured, nudging me some more.

“Ugh. Why me? I’m about as useful as tits on a boar hog.” 

He laughed heartily and hauled me upright. “You’ll be on watch with me. No need to worry.”

“Oh yeah none at all,” I grumbled. “Except that you might just push me and Rachel off the damn cliff.”

“Why would I do a fool thing like that?

“Because you hate us?”

He paused and looked out into the night. A thrush chirped in the distance. “I don’t hate either of you. I’m just... protective of my little brother. And Thorin doesn’t want any liabilities on this journey, and until you prove yourselves you are a liability.”

“Ouch, yeah, thanks.” I fiddled with the pocketbook I had, my only possession, and took out a cigarette. I swore to myself I’d quit, but now didn’t seem like a great time. Lighting one up, I took a long draw and exhaled slowly, closing my eyes and enjoying the flood of nicotine into my body.

“What’s that?” Fili asked, pointing to my cigarette.

“If you must know, it’s a cigarette, kinda like your pipes but smaller.” I handed it to him. “Smoke it like a pipe.”

He did, drawing in a long breath of smoke, holding it, and then blowing it back out in a perfect O. 

“How’d you do that?” I asked, taking the cigarette back. I tried it myself but failed.

“Here,” he said, pulling his pipe out of nowhere and packing it with tobacco leaves. I offered my lighter, which freaked him out but he didn’t ask questions. “Take the smoke in your mouth, hold your tongue in the back of your throat, and blow out just a little bit of smoke.” He puffed on his pipe, blowing another perfect smoke ring. He offered me his pipe, and I took it. It was a pretty little thing, red wood with an artistic bowl. 

I pulled in a little smoke and blew out a wobbly little o. “Ha!” 

“Very good, lass,” Fili chuckled, taking the pipe back.

I met his eyes, then, and he had a peculiar look about him. Shaking his head he looked back out into the night. “You can go to bed now, Anabel. I’ll keep watch.”

“You sure? I mean, didn’t Thorin say we both had to watch?”

“No, actually it was I who decided that.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Figured you should do something useful.”

“Gee, thanks,” I replied, standing and tamping out my cigarette. I left him there, wandering off to find a good enough place to sleep. In the end, I ended up next to Rachel, who was curled up against Kili. I was miffed that she was getting along so well with everyone... I had yet to make a friend.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day was pretty depressing. It rained. A lot. We made camp earlier than the night before because we were all so damn wet and miserable that we couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily, the rain stopped and we began to dry.

We stopped a while later to make camp for the night in what looked like, to me, an abandoned farm. Gandalf didn’t seem too pleased, but whatever Thorin says goes, so the rest of us stayed as Gandalf stormed off, pissed about whatever Thorin had been saying moments before. Night fell and Gandalf still hadn’t returned. Kili and Fili were standing watch, and Rachel and I were sitting by ourselves around the fire while others were getting ready to sleep or smoking. I stifled a yawn and Rach nudged me with her shoulder. 

“You alright?” she asked “You seem depressed. Not that I don’t mind being here, but I thought you’d be, I don’t know, over the moon or something. I mean, I haven’t any of the books but if I knew what happened and was randomly transported to that world for some reason, I’d be stoked. It’s like, we’re gonna get to...wherever, kill a dragon, and then be super rich and have seven babies each and be happy forever.” She smiled at me. “Killing dragons sounds fun.” She sat up and stretched, pulling the cigarette pack from her bag and offering me one. I took it and she lit them both.

“I miss home, Rach. I don’t fit in here. You’ve already become butt buddies with Kili, and I’ve made no friends at all.”

“What about Fili?”

“He’s not really a friend. I’m pretty sure he wishes that we weren’t around.”

“Eh, don’t worry about him,” Rachel replied, tugging gently at my hair. “It’s all good, I promise.”

“If you say so.”

A little while later, Fili and Kili went off to watch the ponies, and Thorin suggested that I join them. 

Walking off through the woods, I met up with them and sighed. “So, what do we do?”

Fili turned to me. “We watch the ponies. Only problem is, there are two missing.”

Just then Bilbo came walking up, holding two bowls of soup. “What’s the matter,” he asked.

“Two ponies are missing,” I said, pointing to a large uprooted tree, “And I think that has something to do with it.

Fili and Kili turned to Bilbo. “Well I think our burglar should do something about it,” Kili said. 

“Ana!” I heard suddenly as Rachel came crashing through the woods. “Ana, you left your cloak.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the cloak from her and throwing it over my shoulders. It still smelled of Fili, and I wasn’t sure if I liked that or not. “Anyway, Bilbo should go check out where the ponies went.”

“Well,” Bilbo started, “something big... and dangerous... uprooted those trees.”

“Look,” Fili said, “Light coming from over there.”  
I looked and sure enough there was a fire light coming from the distance. “Bilbo, go check it out.”

“Shouldn’t we tell Thorin...?” he asked hesitantly.

“No,” said Fili, “No need to worry him.”

“Well we should do something,” said Bilbo.

“Yes,” Kili smiled, “You should.”

“C’mon, Bilbo, I’ll go with you,” I offered, stepping forward. 

Fili grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him, murmuring in my ear, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“What, and sending him by himself is?”

“He’s a hobbit. He’ll hardly be noticed.”

“I still don’t think it’s fair. I’m going with him.”

“Whatever you say, lass.” He released my arm and I walked toward Bilbo. “If anything goes wrong, hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I turned to Bilbo. “Let’s do this, buddy.”

Finally putting the soup down, he followed. We crept through the woods, trying very hard not to make any noise. I was less successful than Bilbo, stomping through the underbrush and pushing branches out of my way. I turned to look at him and saw that Rachel had followed us.

“Rach! God dammit you were supposed to stay behind!”

“I couldn’t just let you have all the fun, now could I?” She smirked.

I sighed. “Whatever.”

I looked to Bilbo and he was gone. Frantically searching I spotted him by the ponies, who were tied to a little gate. He tried to untie them but they wouldn’t budge. I saw him think for a moment before he started toward the closest troll, reaching for the little sword hanging from his belt. 

And then Rachel came crashing through the woods, jumping out in front of the trolls, brandishing a stick. “Hey! Over here you ugly brutes!”

Oh god, I thought. Here we go.

Then one of the trolls reached down and scooped her up. Rachel swung at it with her stick, but it felt nothing. The nasty beast took a big whiff of her and grinned. “A dwarf!”

“I’m not a dwarf!” protested Rachel.

“A LADY dwarf! Yum yum!”

Just then, Kili jumped out of the woods, sword in hand. “Drop her!”

The troll did not comply.

Once again he said, “Drop her,” but this time he was backed by the rest of the dwarves. 

Surprised, the troll dropped her, and she hit the ground hard. And then all hell broke loose. The dwarves all engaged in battle with the trolls, while Rachel, Bilbo and I untied the ponies and set them free. 

Next thing I knew we were all captured and put in sacks all piled together, waiting to be eaten. A few dwarves were tied to a spit over the fire.

“Well,” I said, mostly to myself, “This is pleasant.” I heard Fili chuckle somewhere to my right.

“Wait!” cried Bilbo. “You’re making a huge mistake... with the... seasoning.”

“What’s wrong with the seasoning?” asked the nasty leader-troll.

“The secret to cooking dwarves is to...”  “Yes tell us the secret.”

“The secret is... the secret... is to... skin them first!”

There was much protest amongst the dwarves, but I knew what Bilbo was doing -- he was buying us time.

“Not that one!” he shouted as a troll picked up Bombur, “He-he’s infected! He’s got worms in his... tubes. In fact they all have, they’re infested, terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it.”

Much protest again as the dwarves all proclaimed to not have worms, until FINALLY someone caught on and they all agreed that they had worms as big as their arms.

And suddenly Gandalf was there, busting a stone in half and shedding the light of dawn onto the nasty trolls. They shriveled and turned to stone immediately, crying out as their joints locked up and they became immobile.

Freed from the sack, I was able to inspect Rachel for wounds. She had but one. A small cut above her eye. Other than that, everyone was fine, and we all we free once again.


	6. Chapter 6

Thorin decided that if there were trolls then there ought to be a cave nearby with a troll horde in it. So we went looking through the woods, and not far from the campsite there was indeed a cave. It was foul. It reeked of decay and death and mildew. I took one step inside and almost lost my lunch. Rotting corpses were everywhere, stinking and foul.

“C’mon,” Kili urged, gently nudging me in the back. I noticed he was holding Rachel’s hand and I smirked. It was lost on him though, and he went ahead of me, chatting with Rachel about all the goodies we were about to find.

And boy did we. There was treasure strewn all about the place, chests of it stacked all along the cave wall. A stockpile of weapons caught the attention of myself, Gandalf, and Thorin.

I picked up a sword that was damn near as tall as Rachel, hefting it a little bit to get a feel for its weight and balance. It was a beautiful sword.

“Ah,” Gandalf said, appearing next to me, “The lhang. A noble weapon indeed. Armies of elves have wielded such a sword for generations. How does it feel?”

“Light,” I said honestly, “And balanced. It feels good in my hands.”

“Indeed, and you shall carry it well,” Gandalf smiled softly.

“Wait, what? I can’t use this, are you kidding me?”

“She’s right,” Thorin cut in harshly. “No one who has not tasted battle should wield such a weapon. Put it back, girl.”

And then Fili appeared beside me. “I’ll train her. She should know how to fight, uncle.”

Thorin seemed to think it over for a moment before replying, “fine, but she is not my responsibility.” And with that, he walked off with Gandalf, each holding a blade of their own.

“Thanks,” I said quietly, digging around for a belt to hold the blade that I would use to defend myself. 

“Of course,” Fili said, pulling a long leather belt out of the pile. “This should work.” He stepped close to me, wrapping the belt around my waist and closing it on the side. He attached my sheath and carefully slid the blade into it, giving my hip a little pat as he stepped away. “There. All ready for battle.” With an odd grin he walked away, joining the others at the mouth of the cave.

I saw Rachel and Kili talking over something, and I walked over the see what was up.

“Hey Rach, Kili, what’s goin on?”

“Kili found some old throwing knives that he says I should try. And a dagger,” she said excitedly.

“Nice,” I replied, smiling as best I could.

“I see you found yourself an elven blade, Anabel,” Kili said. “And I suspect my brother offered to teach you how to use it, eh?”

Miffed, I turned away, making my way back to the cave entrance. “So what if he did,” I grumbled to myself.

So what, indeed.

As we gathered our things to continue our journey, Gandalf yelled that something was coming. Shuffling around, we didn’t know what to do or where to go, and then out of the woods popped a strange looking man riding a sled that was pulled with large rabbits. He was dressed a bit like Gandalf, with cloaks and such, but his were brown and dirty. As he spoke I realized that there was bird shit all down the side of his face. 

“Crazy bastard,” I murmured to Rachel, who nodded in agreement.

He and Gandalf went off to chat, so we were left with nothing to do. Rachel found herself a tree and began throwing her knives, and I have to admit, she was pretty good. She missed several times at first, but once she got the hang of it she was hitting the tree nine times out of ten.

Fili found it to be a prime opportunity for me to train.

“Stand like this,” he said, legs spread a bit, “and turn to the side a bit, yes like that. Now. Hold your sword in both hands out like this.” He held his own sword out at a forty five degree angle to himself. 

“Now what? I just attack you? This isn’t going to work, Fili. Someone is going to get hurt.”

“We’ll practice with sticks, then, but I wanted you to get the feel of your sword. It’s a part of you now. Use it well.” He clambered up a tree and yanked two small branches off, tossing them down to me. “We’ll use these,” he said after he jumped down, landing deftly on his feet. 

I picked one up, and stood the way he’d showed me, tilting my hips a bit so I wasn’t facing him dead-on. 

And then we heard it. A howl like a wolf, but nastier. Over the hill came the nastiest creature that I have ever laid eyes on. It looked like the deranged, mutated cousin of a wolf, with huge gnarly teeth and massive shoulders. I didn’t even have time to sheath my sword and run before Fili was pushing me out of the way, sword drawn. The first one was taken down pretty quickly, and was followed by another. Kili got one with his bow, and Thorin finished him off with his sword.

When everything calmed again, Gandalf was yelling at Thorin, asking him who he told about the quest. Thorin denied telling anyone. I heard more howling and someone said, “There’ll be an orc pack just behind.”

Orc pack. That didn’t sound good.

Radagast decided to draw them off, claiming that his rabbits could outrun the wargs. And then he was off, speeding through the trees and out into the open.

“C’mon,” said Gandalf, leading us behind the rocks. I was terrified, knowing what those beasts could do to you if they got ahold of you. 

“Come, Anabel,” Fili whispered anxiously, “Stay right behind me at all times. Do you understand?”

I nodded, scared out of my mind. As we ran we could hear the wargs howling, not far from us. We wove through the rocks, and every once in a while I could see Radagast leading the orcs and wargs around the rocks. At one point their path crossed ours, and we paused, waiting for them to run by.

I could feel the blood pounding in my ears and my heart was having a major freak out. I grabbed Fili’s cloak, staying with him step for step.

We ducked behind a rock, panting and waiting for our moment to run again. But we weren’t alone. A rogue warg with an orc rider climbed up on the rock, just feet from where we hid. I saw Thorin nod to Kili, who drew out an arrow and readied his bow, stepping out from the rock and shooting the warg in the head. The warg went down squealing, and the dwarves quickly dispatched the orc, but we made an awful lot of noise in the process.

And then the wargs were after us, barking and snarling as they ran toward us.

We ran as hard as we could, but we were soon surrounded. 

“Where’s Gandalf?!” someone shouted.

“He’s abandoned us!” someone replied.

I couldn’t pay attention to who was doing what, but I looked frantically for Rachel. She was standing back to back with Kili, who was shooting orcs down with his bow. She looked determined and scared all at once. In her hands were her throwing knives.

“This way you fools!” Gandalf yelled, popping up from behind a rock. And suddenly we were sprinting for the rock, which was the entrance to a deep cave. Down we went, sliding into the cave as fast as we could. Thorin stayed out, making sure each of his company got in safely. 

“Kili, Rachel!” I heard him yell, and for a moment I was terrified that something had happened. But then they dropped into the cave, followed quickly by Thorin.

I ran over to her, putting my hands on her cheeks, which were flushed from exertion. “Are you ok,” I murmured, smoothing back her hair and looking her over.

“I’m fine, love,” she smiled softly, putting her hand soothingly on my cheek.

Horns sounded up above and we heard a commotion, orcs and wargs screaming in death. One orc rolled down into our cave, an arrow sticking out of him. Thorin yanked the arrow out and inspected it. “Elves,” he said in disgust.

In the end we decided to follow the cave, which led us to the most beautiful place I had ever seen. A city carved into the rocks of a cliff, greenery and water everywhere.

“Rivendell,” Bilbo and I whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

We made our way to a bridge that led us to a small courtyard. Gandalf was greeted by an elf far more beautiful than I had imagined them to be. He was lithe and had long flowing hair, and was dressed in soft robes. 

And then we heard horns once again, and suddenly we were surrounded by horses and elves, who circled us. “Hold ranks!” Thorin yelled, and everyone formed a circle. Fili and Kili pushed Rachel and I into the center with Bilbo.

“Gandalf,” Lord Elrond smiled, and then they exchanged greetings in elvish. 

“Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders,” Lord Elrond said, “Something or someone has drawn them near.

“Ah, that may have been us,” Gandalf replied.

We were taken to a balcony where food was laid out for us. Greens and fruits and simple vegetables met the hungry dwarves, who turned their noses up at the food. Rachel and I, accustomed to veggies, devoured our food, enjoying the fresh taste of fruits and greens. The dwarves gave us funny looks and teased us for our actions.

“What does a girl have to do to get a bath around here?” Rachel asked, pushing her chair away from the table.

An elf appeared, taking our hands gently and leading us away. “Follow me, young humans, and I will show you where you may bathe and change.”

We were led to a large bath house that was steamy and smelled wonderful, like rain. It was secluded enough to be private, but you could see so much of Rivendell. It was beautiful. There were several private areas, and Rachel and I each picked one, stripping down and sinking into the warm waters of the bath house. I soaked for a while, letting my hair down and sinking under the water. I scrubbed all the dirt off of me and relaxed in the heat, stretching my aching muscles.

When I was done, an elf woman appeared, carrying a towel and some clothing.

“A dress?” I asked.

“Just for the night,” she replied. “It’s nice to feel civilized again, isn’t it?”

“Yeah it is,” I replied, drying off and slipping into the white dress. It dipped down my chest and covered my feet, and it was oh so soft. “Thank you,” I said, and the elf nodded and led me away.

I met up with Rachel, who was wearing a similar dress and a big grin. “Fancy, huh?”

I just smiled and walked with her back to the balcony where the dwarves were waiting for us. It was silent when we walked up. Most of the dwarves were smoking their pipes and reclining in their seats.

I walked over to Fili, who was looking at me with his mouth open. “You clean up well, lass,” he said quietly.

“Yeah I guess,” I replied, “But my hair is a mess.”

“I could braid it for you if you’d like,” he blushed. Fili blushed. I had never seen that dwarf any kind of embarrassed.

“That would be lovely, thank you.” I sat in front of him, hitching up my dress and folding my legs.

He gently began to part my hair, separating it into chunks and braiding each of those sections. His hands were steady and gentle, working through my hair with ease and confidence. You know how it feels to have someone playing with your hair? Yeah, well it started to put me to sleep, and by the time he was done I was practically laying against his chest.

“Lass,” he said quietly, shaking my shoulder gently, “Wake up.”

I did, slowly, and everyone was looking at me. I sat bolt upright, smoothing out my dress and scooting away from Fili, who was grinning from ear to ear. 

“Well. Thank you for the braids. I’ll just be going to sleep then. Over here.” I made my way to a small cushioned area and curled up, deeply embarrassed. As I fell asleep, I spied Fili and Kili sitting close to one another, talking in a harsh language that could only be Dwarvish. Rachel was nestled against Kili’s leg, fast asleep.

I envied her.

\---

The next morning, I found Rachel awake and grinning, a small braid behind her ear. Kili was sitting at the table, eating a piece of fruit. There was a small braid behind his ear as well.

“You didn’t,” I said to her, astonished that she would go so far.

“I did,” she squealed, fingering her braid.

“Well as long as you’re sure...”

“I am. I think I love him, Ana. He’s so kind and gentle and funny... way better than any of the men back home.”

“You’re lucky,” I replied, sitting down at the far end of the table and picking up what looked like an apple. 

She sat beside me. “But Ana, what about Fili?”

“There’s nothing there,” I snapped, and she pulled back.

“If you say so,” she said, hurt by my harshness.

Apparently over night Thorin was able to get the answers he wanted, because we were told to pack up to leave. An elf woman arrived with new clothes for Rachel and me, along with hip pouches and new boots. I thanked her graciously and found a secluded place to get dressed.

When I returned, Rachel was dressed and standing with Kili, hand in hand. Fili was talking with Balin about something and everyone was standing around waiting to get going. When Thorin saw me he muttered, “Finally,” and led us on.

I walked in the middle of the pack, sword on my hip and cloak tied tightly around my shoulders. We walked on through the caves and back out onto a rocky path that went up the mountain.

The path narrowed until we were walking on a wee sliver of a path, barely enough for one person. Fili ended up right in front of me, and I stared at the back of his head, wondering what he was thinking about. What he thinking about last night? I reached a hand up to my braids. He was so sweet... I don’t know what I was thinking, exactly, but there was definitely a sense of longing in my heart.

All of the sudden the tiny path that we were on split in two and we were sent reeling backwards as the mountain broke apart and started moving. We had been walking on a rock giant the entire time, and he wasn’t about to let the others have all the fun. 

Wrenched apart, the mountain shook, making all of us cling to the walls for dear life. I held tightly to Rachel’s hand, Kili on my other side. That’s when the cliff split in two and we were yanked apart. I stared in horror as they got further and further away, screaming Rachel’s name. I made eye contact with Fili, who looked terrified and lost. He mouthed my name as we were pulled apart. 

I started to cry, and I felt like a helpless child. I hardly remember Kili yanking me away from the cliff’s edge, or the rest of the dwarves pulling me to safety. All I remember is seeing the others come back into view and jump onto the mountain edge with us.

All I remember after that is putting my hands on Rachel’s cheeks to see if she was hurt. And then I walked right up to Fili, grabbed the front of his cloak and kissed him. I don’t know what had gotten into me, but I did it. And it felt like all of the good things that had ever happened to me were happening again. His lips were surprisingly soft and warm, and with a grunt of confusion he kissed me back, wrapping an arm around my waist.

I heard catcalls and cheering from all around us, and I distinctly heard the sound of coin purses being tossed, but I paid no attention to anything but the way his lips felt on mine. His beard was pleasingly rough and he was so gentle. Pulling back, I looked away, blushing and stepping back.

“Ah. So. I’m glad you’re alive.” I felt so red and embarrassed. “So we should keep moving, then.”

Chuckling, he took my hand and gave it a little squeeze. “Took you long enough,” he murmured into my ear.

If anything I blushed harder. pulling my hand from his and walking on, leading the pack into a cave for some rest.

I settled in a corner by myself, opening my pocketbook and pulling out my pocket knife. Finding a stick in the cave, I began to whittle away, taking out my frustration and embarrassment on the stick.

After a while, Fili came over, chuckling and kicking at the pile of wood shavings that I had created.

“Anxious?” he asked, settling down next to me.

“No,” I lied, furiously carving away at the stick.

He steadied my hand with his own, pulling it up to his lips for a quick kiss. My heart fluttered a bit, but I tried to ignore it.

“I’m glad you’re alive, too,” he said quietly. “Come. We need to rest. We have a long day ahead of us.”

I folded up my pocket knife and looked around. Everyone was curled up, ready to sleep. Rachel and Kili were curled up together by the entrance.

Drawing me close, Fili said quietly, “I am very fond of you, young human. Come. Rest with me.”

I sighed and leaned into him, breathing in his rich scent and closing my eyes. Pretty soon I was asleep, dreaming of first kisses and love.


	8. Chapter 8

I drifted in and out of sleep for a while, acutely aware of Fili’s arm around my waist. I nuzzled into his chest, taking in his scent. It was earthy and musky, warm and inviting. 

At one point, I woke up and the ground was shaking. Suddenly the floor gave out and I clutched at Fili, finding only air, and we slid through the mountain, landing in a heap at the bottom. I was stuck somewhere between Bombur and Dwalin, and I couldn’t see Fili or Rachel. I barely had time to register which was was up before a group of nasty gangly creatures came toward us, scuttling and looking altogether disgusting. We were manhandled forward by the nasty beasts and dropped in front of the huge goblin king, stripped of our weapons. 

After a moment of staring, the Great Goblin asked, “Who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom? Spies? Thieves?”

“Dwarves, your Malevolence,” a much smaller goblin replied.

“Dwarves?”

“We found them on the front porch.”

“Well, don’t just stand there; search them! Every crack, every crevice.”

We were manhandled once again, and I felt horribly violated. “Don’t touch her,” I heard Fili growl from somewhere ahead of me.

“A she? Two shes! Two shes for me!” Squawked a particularly hideous goblin.

“Leave the shes for me!” Boomed the giant goblin, chuckling under his breath. “What are you doing in these parts,” he addressed Thorin, who did not reply. “Speak!” Again no response. Well then, if they will not talk, we’ll make them squawk! Bring out the Mangler! Bring out the Bone Breaker! Start with the shes!” His Hideousness pointed at Rachel and I, who had managed to come together in the center of the dwarves.

“Wait,” said Thorin, stepping forward.

The Great Goblin chuckled. “Well, well, well, look who it is. Thorin son of Thrain, son of Thror; King Under the Mountain.” He bowed exaggeratedly. “Oh, but I’m forgetting, you don’t have a mountain. And you’re not a king. Which makes you nobody, really. I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head. Just the head, nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak, an old enemy of yours. A Pale Orc astride a White Warg.”

Thorin looked up in disbelief. “Azog the Defiler was destroyed. He was slain in battle long ago.”

“So you think his defiling days are done, do you?” He laughed and turned to the tiniest goblin and said, “Send word to the Pale Orc; tell him I have found his prize.”

The tiny goblin write a message on his slate, cackling and pulling a lever which sent his basket sailing down a system of ropes and pulleys.

And then they came at us - dozens of goblins carrying instruments of torture. I shook a little and gripped Rachel’s hand tightly. Fili backed up to me, reaching around to place a hand protectively on my hip. Kili was beside Rachel with his best bitchface on.

The Great Goblin sang and danced as the instruments were brought to him. “Bones will be shattered, necks will be wrung! You’ll be beaten and battered, from racks you’ll be hung. You will lie down here and never be found, down in the deep of Goblin-town.”

One of the little bastards was examining all of our weapons. As he picks up Thorin’s blade, he slides it a couple inches out of it’s sheath. He gasped in horror and threw the sword down, backing away. All the goblins began to shriek and retreat, and the Goblin King ran back to his seat, trampling a few goblins on the way.

“I know that sword!” he yelled. “It is the Goblin-cleaver, the Biter, the blade that sliced a thousand necks.”

A couple of goblins pinned Thorin down, knife at the ready to behead him. Suddenly there was a massive explosion of bright light. A shockwave ripped through the cavern, trashing all of the goblin’s torture devices and knocking them all down. When everything settles, I saw Gandalf, holding his staff and sword.

“Take up arms!” He yelled. “Fight. Fight!”

And then it was chaos. Before I realized it, Fili had shoved my sword into my hands. “Alright,” he said, “We’re going to train right now. Are you ready?”

I nodded, petrified. 

“Can you swing your sword for me?”

I did so, cleaving a goblin that was coming at me.

“Good. Good.” We were on the run now, sprinting down planked paths and knocking as many goblins as we could off the narrow walkways. “Block like this,” he said, deftly blocking the attack of a goblin.

I mimicked him and then swung my sword at an enemy, feeling the skin break under my blade. No longer so afraid, I ran, spying Rachel up ahead stabbing goblins with her dagger. Laughing at the image I never thought I’d see, I thrust my sword into the gut of an oncoming goblin, gagging when I heard a squelch as he fell back.

“You’re doing well, lass,” Fili said, back to back with me.

“Thanks,” I panted, swinging again and just missing the goblin coming at me. I squeaked and Fili spun us around so he was facing forward. Slashing at the goblin, he spun us back around and kept pressing me forward.

“Follow me. Quick! Run!” Gandalf yelled.

We continued to sprint down the narrow walkways, cutting down goblins as we went. Dwalin and some others used a massive post to knock goblins off the suspended pathways. I saw Kili, fighting valiantly, deflecting arrows with his sword. Grabbing a nearby ladder, he lays it down, knocking some goblins down and providing a bridge for us to cross. Dwalin broke the ladder when we were all across, keeping others from following us.

And then suddenly we were on a fucking pendulum, swinging back and forth between two bits of path. Goblins jumped on as some of the dwarves jumped off. On the next swing the rest of us managed to jump off and the ropes were cut, dropping the goblins.

Suddenly, the Great Goblin busted up from below and stopped us.

“You thought you could escape me?” He swung his mace at Gandalf, who jumped back. “What are you going to do now, wizard?”

Gandalf leapt forward and poked the giant bastard in the eye. The goblin king clutched his face in pain. Gandalf stepped forward and sliced the goblin in the stomach, who then fell to his knees and said, “That’ll do it.”

Gandalf then swung his sword and sliced the goblin king’s throat, killing him. The weight of the nasty bastard knocked the bridge down. We fell through the cavern at an alarming rate, destroying everything in our path. I screamed like a child and clutched at Fili, holding Rachel’s hand at the same time. Suddenly we hit the ground, landing among the wreckage.

“Well that could have been worse,” Bofur said.

And then the corpse of the goblin king landed on top of us. Fucking Bofur.

When I was able to extricate myself from the rubble, I looked up and saw thousands of goblins running at us.

“Gandalf!” Kili yelled.

“Only one thing will save us,” Gandalf said. “Daylight! Come on! Here, on your feet!”

We sprinted toward a crack in the cavern. I could see a sliver of light in the distance. Rushing out into the light, we escaped the goblins. Mostly out of sheer luck, I thought to myself.

The rest is a bit of an adrenaline-pumped blur for me. I recall hearing something about Bilbo being missing, and the Thorin said something about him turning back for home.

“He is long gone,” Thorin finished.

“No he isn’t,” Bilbo said, stepping out from behind a tree.

“Bilbo Baggins!” Gandalf laughed. “I’ve never been so glad to see anyone in my life!”

Some conversation came after that, but I didn’t hear it.

“Fili,” I murmured. “I feel like I’m gonna be sick.”  “Sit,” he said, brows furrowed in worry. “You fought valiantly, lass. You should be proud.”

“I killed.”

“You did kill. Bad creatures who would have killed you.”

“I suppose,” I said, looking at Bilbo.

He spoke. “Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you’re right, I often think of Bag End. I miss my books. And my armchair. And my garden. See, that’s where I belong. That’s home. And that’s why I came back, cause you don’t have one. A home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can.”

The dwarves were silent as they contemplated what Bilbo said.

And then I looked down and saw why I might be so sick. A gash tore across my stomach, seeping a bit of blood through my shirt.

“Uh...” I started. “Fili?”

“Yes, lass?” 

“I may be bleeding.”

“It’s goblin’s blood, isn’t it?” He inspected my shirt. He grinned. “You’ve earned your first battle wound. It’s not deep, but it will scar. She’s earned her first battle wound!” he called to the others, indicating my blood stained shirt.

There was much cheering and slaps on the shoulder. Gandalf came over to me. “May I?” he said, fingers on the hem of my shirt. 

“Sure.”

He gently lifted my shirt, eyeing my wound. “Fili is right. It isn’t a deep one. You’ll be just fine. Here,” he handed me a scrap of cloth from god knows where. “Clean it up, you don’t want it festering.”

I caught Fili peeking at my stomach, and I smirked. “Wanna do it for me?”

“Um, sure. It’s not a big deal or anything.” He tenderly pressed the cloth to my cut, soaking up the blood and gently cleaning my wound. “You’ll have to be more careful,” he murmured, not looking me in the eye. “The next wound could be your last.”

“I’ll be fine,” I said, closing my eyes. I felt Fili’s warm fingers on my skin and I shivered.

And then there was a familiar howling.

“Out of the frying pan...” Thorin said.

“And into the fire! Run! RUN!” Gandalf finished.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: http://meaganelizabee.tumblr.com/  
> Rachel's tumblr: http://barren-moon.tumblr.com/


End file.
